Advice for Prospective Spouses

All praise is due to Allah, Lord of all worlds. May peace and blessings be upon the noblest of messengers, and upon his family and all his companions.

I begin by addressing everyone who is about to marry, supplicating Allah to grant them success and guidance, to decree for them goodness in what they choose, and to bless them with happiness and tranquility in this world and the Hereafter.

I then ask them to listen with attentive hearts and thoughtful minds to a set of concise pieces of advice, drawn from the Qur’an and the Sunnah, as well as from people’s lived realities and experiences. Perhaps these will serve as keys to marital happiness and to building an exemplary family.

First Advice: Understanding the Purpose of Marriage

Marriage is among the greatest blessings of Allah and one of His mighty signs. Allah the Almighty says {what means}: “And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves spouses that you may find tranquility in them, and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed, in that are signs for people who reflect.” (Ar-Rūm/21)

Marriage is a divinely ordained institution and a Sunnah of all the Messengers, from Ādam to Muḥammad, peace and blessings be upon them all. For this reason, Islam encourages marriage, and the Qur’an calls to it, as Allah the Almighty says {what means}: “Marry off the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male and female servants. If they are poor, Allah will enrich them from His bounty, and Allah is All-Encompassing, All-Knowing.” (An-Nūr/32)

Likewise, the Prophet ﷺ said: “O young people! Whoever among you is able to afford marriage, let him marry, for it lowers the gaze and guards chastity.” (Narrated by al-Bukhari & Muslim)

Moreover, in the authentic ḥadīth he ﷺ said: “By Allah, I am the one among you who fears Allah the most and is most conscious of Him; yet I fast and break my fast, I pray and I sleep, and I marry women. Whoever turns away from my Sunnah is not from me.” (Narrated by al-Bukhari & Muslim)

The purpose of marriage is not limited to mere physical pleasure, nor solely to having children. Rather, its aims include attaining tranquility through affection and mercy between spouses, obeying Allah by upholding His limits and avoiding His prohibitions, and fulfilling the divine command of cultivating and building the earth.

Second Advice: Choosing the Right Spouse

Those intending to marry are advised to make their choice based on sound, divinely guided principles so that the marriage may succeed—by Allah’s permission. Among these principles are:

1. Religion and Character

This is the most important foundation in choosing a spouse. A woman who possesses sound religious commitment and good character supports her husband in his religion, worldly life, and Hereafter. She preserves her honor and chastity, safeguards her husband’s dignity, and becomes a source of security and tranquility for him. Harmony replaces conflict, and affection and mercy replace injustice and estrangement.

The Prophet ﷺ clarified this foundational principle for both men and women. Addressing men, he ﷺ said: “A woman is married for four reasons: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. So attain the one who is religious; may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” (Narrated by al-Bukhari & Muslim)

Likewise, religion and character are essential criteria in choosing a husband. The Prophet ﷺ said, addressing women and guardians: “If someone whose religion and character you are pleased with comes to you seeking marriage, then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be tribulation on earth and widespread corruption.” (Narrated by at-Tirmidhī)

A man of religion, if he loves his wife, will honor her, and if he dislikes something in her, he will not oppress or humiliate her.

Islam does not forbid the combination of religious commitment with wealth, beauty, or lineage. However, prioritizing wealth, beauty, or lineage alone while neglecting religion is what Islam has warned against. It was narrated from Abdullah bin Amr that: the Prophet said: “Do not marry women for their beauty for it may lead to their doom. Do not marry them for their wealth, for it may lead them to fall into sin. Rather, marry them for their religion. A black slave woman with piercings who is religious is better.” (Reported by Ibn Majah)

2. Marrying a Virgin

Among the recommended considerations is that a man marry a woman who has not been previously married, and likewise that a woman marry a man who has not been previously married, as the Prophet ﷺ expressed preference for virgins, saying: “Why did you not marry a virgin, so you could play with her and she could play with you?” (Narrated by al-Bukhari & Muslim)

3. Being Loving and Fertile

It is also recommended that a woman be loving and fertile. Islam encourages marrying women who are affectionate and capable of bearing children, as affection preserves harmony and companionship, and fertility fulfills the purposes of marriage: stability, procreation, and preservation of the human race.

The Prophet ﷺ said: “Marry the loving and fertile woman, for I will boast of your numbers before the nations.” (Narrated by Abū Dāwūd)

These qualities are likewise sought in men, as families should choose for their daughters a man of religion, good character, affection, and the ability to have children.

4. Sound Judgment and Reason

What is meant here is not sanity versus insanity, but rather maturity, wisdom, and sound judgment. A man should choose a woman of intellect and composure and avoid foolishness, for it has been said: “Avoid marrying a foolish woman, for her companionship is a trial and her offspring are lost.”

5. Marrying Outside Close Kinship When Beneficial

It is sometimes preferable to marry outside close relatives when there is benefit in doing so, as this may reduce hereditary weakness and illness, and also prevent potential family discord that could lead to severing ties of kinship. Ibn Qudāmah stated that marital disputes leading to divorce among relatives may result in cutting family ties, which are commanded to be upheld.

Third Advice: Guidance for the Engaged Couple

1-The engagement period should be short, as prolonged engagements often lead to boredom and increased problems.

2-Avoid excessive instructions, demands, and unnecessary requests.

3-The fiancé should be generous, as miserliness breeds aversion and resentment. Allah the Almighty says {what means}: "Let the man of means spend according to his means" [At-Talaq/7].

4-After the marriage contract, the spouses are lawful for one another, but social customs should still be respected, as customary practice is considerable according to Sharia.

5- One must beware of divorce before consummation, for it severs the bond of the marriage contract. By the mere issuance of divorce, the woman to whom the marriage contract was concluded becomes irrevocably divorced with a minor separation (baynūnah ṣughrā). She is entitled to half of the dowry, both the immediate and deferred portions. Moreover, she does not become lawful for him again through a new marriage contract and a new bridal gift/money (Mahr), and this requires her consent.

 6-Avoid uttering words that take one out of the fold of Islam, as apostasy invalidates the marriage contract if it occurs before consummation.

Fourth Advice: To You, O Husband

1-Do not prevent your wife from visiting her family and maintaining ties of kinship, for visiting her family helps her in righteousness and piety. This strengthens family bonds and increases affection and love between the spouses.

2-Do not mention your admiration for any woman in the presence of your wife or fiancée, for this—besides being sinful and an act of disobedience—arouses your wife’s jealousy and plants doubts in her heart, and you have no need for any of this.

3-Do not raise your voice when discussing matters with your wife, and address her only with words and expressions she likes. Keep away from every word she dislikes or that may hurt her.

4-Respect her family in their presence and absence, and do not embarrass your wife by mentioning any faults or shortcomings of her family. ʿĀ’ishah (may Allah be pleased with her) said regarding the Prophet’s love for Khadījah (may Allah be pleased with her):

“He would sometimes slaughter a sheep, cut it into pieces, and then send it to the women friends of Khadījah.” (Reported by al-Bukhārī)

5-Do not swear by divorce nor threaten with it, for this only aggravates problems and increases stubbornness. If a husband dislikes something negative in his wife, let him remember her many good qualities. The Prophet ﷺ said: “A believing man should not hate a believing woman; if he dislikes one of her traits, he will be pleased with another.” (Reported by Muslim)

6-Beware of everything that disturbs the serenity of life and spoils its happiness. Mere dislike should not be a reason for separation nor a cause of discord. A person may dislike something in which there is goodness and benefit for him. Therefore, adhere to patience and endurance, as Allah the Almighty says {what means}:“Live with them in kindness; for if you dislike them, perhaps you dislike something and Allah places much good in it.” (An-Nisa`/19). Indeed, a servant may attain the rank of one who fasts and prays through forbearance, forgiveness, and good companionship. Abū Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “The most complete of the believers in faith are those with the best character, and the best of you are the best of you in character toward their wives.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhī, who said it is ḥasan ṣaḥīḥ)

O men, be conscious of Allah your Lord, listen to the advice of your Prophet, honor those whom you seek to marry, treat your wives well, and spend on them. Allah the Almighty says {what means}: “Men are caretakers of women because Allah has given some of them advantage over others and because they spend of their wealth.” (An-Nisa`/34)

And the Prophet ﷺ said: “The best dinar a man spends is the dinar he spends on his family.”(Reported by Muslim)

So be mindful of Allah concerning women and live with them in kindness. Good companionship is from the perfection of faith, and it is also a means for lasting harmony and increased love. Know that marriage is a solemn covenant and a strong bond between a man and his wife.

Fifth Advice: To You, O Wife

It is obligatory upon you to obey your husband in what does not involve disobedience to Allah, to protect his honor and property, and to fulfill your marital responsibilities. The Prophet ﷺ said: “If a woman prays her five daily prayers, fasts her month, guards her chastity, and obeys her husband, it will be said to her: Enter Paradise through whichever gate you wish.” (Narrated by Aḥmad)

Sixth Advice: Divorce is Bitter in Consequence

Married couples should be aware that Islam has established the greatest, wisest, and most just system governing marriage. However, spouses must be mindful of Allah and must not treat the verses of Allah with mockery or disregard. This includes the one who speaks to a colleague about a matter and swears by divorce to emphasize the truthfulness of his words; another who promotes his merchandise by swearing an oath of divorce; or a foolish man who, upon seeing a trivial action from his wife, swears by divorce or by declaring what is lawful as unlawful (ḥarām). Such recklessness is what destroys marital life. Its root lies in weak faith, lack of God-consciousness (taqwā), and the absence of a true sense of the importance of the family.

Allah the Exalted says {what means}:“And do not make Allah a means for your oaths so as to prevent yourselves from righteousness, piety, and reconciliation between people. And Allah is All-Hearing, All-Knowing.”

(al-Baqarah/224).

It is narrated from Nāfiʿ, from ʿAbdullāh (may Allah be pleased with him), that the Prophet ﷺ said: “Whoever swears an oath, let him swear by Allah, or remain silent.” (Narrated by al-Bukhārī).

Islam has strongly discouraged divorce and has emphatically warned against it. Our Messenger ﷺ clarified that although divorce is allowed in the religion of Allah as a last resort for resolving irreconcilable marital conflict, it is the most detested of permissible matters to Allah, Exalted and Glorified. This is because divorce dissolves the marital bond, demolishes the family structure, severs affection, and leads to the displacement and hardship of the wife and children. It is reported that the Prophet ﷺ said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce.” And in another narration: “Allah has not permitted anything more hateful to Him than divorce.” (Narrated by Abū Dāwūd).

Both spouses should know that divorce is bitter in consequence. It is an exceptional legislation, like a surgeon’s scalpel: if used at the right time and in the right place, it treats a severe illness; but if misused, it leads to the worst outcomes and the gravest harm. It is a remedy only when no other cure remains, and when harmony and reconciliation have become impossible. As the Arabs once said: “Among deadly poisons there may be a cure.”

Islam also warned women against seeking divorce from their husbands without valid cause. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Any woman who asks her husband for divorce without a legitimate reason, the fragrance of Paradise is forbidden for her.” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhī).

Among the clearest indications of Islam’s dislike of divorce and of hastiness in resorting to it is that it prescribed arbitration in cases of marital discord, and Allah promised reconciliation if the arbiters sincerely seek reform: “If you fear a breach between them, appoint an arbiter from his family and an arbiter from her family. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will bring about harmony between them.” (al-Nisāʾ/35)

When conflict becomes entrenched, reconciliation proves impossible, and both fear that they cannot uphold the limits set by Allah, divorce is then permitted as a means of separation and a resolution to the dispute—so that a blessing does not turn into a curse and marriage does not become a prison. In order to prevent this bitter remedy from becoming a tool of harm, injustice, revenge, or retaliation, Islam regulated the laws of divorce and made it a relief for both parties. Allah the Almighty says {what means}: “But if they separate, Allah will enrich each of them from His abundance.”(al-Nisāʾ/130)

My final advice to you, O husbands, is to fear Allah regarding your wives, and to maintain excellent companionship with those whom Allah has entrusted to your care. The Prophet ﷺ said: “Women are the counterparts of men.” (Narrated by Imām Aḥmad).

Do not destroy your homes with your own hands, and do not scatter your children by wielding the axe of divorce, thereby bringing misery and corruption upon yourselves. Remember the saying of Allah the Exalted: “And whoever fears Allah—He will make for him a way out, and will provide for him from where he does not expect. And whoever relies upon Allah, then He is sufficient for him. Indeed, Allah will accomplish His purpose; Allah has set a measure for all things.” (al-Ṭalāq/2–3).