The Family We Desire
Praise be to Allah, Lord of the Worlds, and the most excellent and complete blessings and peace be upon our master Muhammad, the Seal of the Prophets and Messengers, and upon all who followed his path until the Day of Judgment:
Indeed, Islam has given immense importance to the family, for it is the first building block in the construction of society, which is composed of a collection of families, and the family, which is composed of a collection of individuals. The Muslim society is like a building that consists of the foundation and the bricks. The stronger the foundation, the stronger and more cohesive and orderly the bricks, the more the building will be a lofty edifice and an impregnable fortress. That is why the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, likened the Muslim society to a firmly constructed building, parts of which support other parts, and to a single body, if one of its members suffers, the rest of the body joins it in wakefulness and fever. However, this cannot be achieved unless there is a cooperative Muslim family with a sound family atmosphere and a happy Islamic home, where each member fulfills their role to the fullest, realizing that marital life is a partnership and that establishing the desired Islamic family is the responsibility of everyone: the husband, the wife, the parents, and the children.
From this standpoint, Islam has laid down a set of rulings to achieve this noble aim and desired goal: for the home to be a place of mercy, affection, harmony, and tranquility. Therefore, Islam has established several guidelines for forming the Muslim family, which we summarize as follows:
Firstly: That each of them should make a good choice of the other. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: 'When someone whose religion and character you approve of comes to you [proposing marriage], then marry him. If you do not do so, there will be tribulation in the land and great corruption' [Al-Tirmidhi].
The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, did not say: 'Whom you approve of in terms of their lineage, ancestry, and wealth as the basis for acceptance.' Rather, he made the basis for choosing someone whose religion and character you approve of, so that the home may be built on a sound and solid foundation. A man said to Al-Hasan Al-Basri: "Whom should I marry my daughter to?" Al-Hasan replied: "Marry your daughter to one who fears Allah. If he loves her, he will honor her, and if he dislikes her, he will not wrong her.' For the religious man, if he loves her, he will honor her, and if he dislikes her, he will not wrong her, nor will he mistreat his wife or his children. This is because he keeps in mind the saying of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him: "The best of you are those who are best to their families, and I am the best of you to my family" [Al-Tirmidhi]. He sees that bringing happiness to his wife and children and creating a happy family atmosphere is an act of worship by which he draws closer to Allah The Almighty.
This guidance also applies to choosing a wife so that the structure may be complete and sound. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "A woman is married for four reasons: for her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religious commitment. So attain the one with religious commitment, may your hands be filled with dust [a figure of speech encouraging diligence in this pursuit]' [Agreed upon]. This is because the religiously committed woman is the paradise of this world and its enjoyment. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "The world is enjoyment, and the best enjoyment of the world is a righteous woman." [Moslim]. Indeed, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "After fear of God a believer gains nothing better for him than a good wife who obeys him if he gives her a command, pleases him if he looks at her, is true to him if he adjures her to do something, and is sincere towards him regarding her person and his property if he is absent." [Ibn Majah].
Thus, the wife becomes a reason for the happiness of her husband and her household. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "Four things are from happiness: a righteous wife, a spacious dwelling, a righteous neighbor, and a good mount. And four things are from misery: a bad neighbor, a bad wife, a narrow dwelling, and a bad mount." [Sahih Ibn Hibban]. So, look, my sister – may Allah protect you – are you like that? Do you treat your husband in this way: if he commands her, she obeys him; if he looks at her, she pleases him...?
Secondly: Each of the prospective spouses looking at the other; for Islam aims to establish a happy Islamic home with a purpose and a goal. Therefore, it encourages the prospective spouses to look at each other, due to the saying of the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him: "Souls are like recruited troops: Those who have similar qualities are inclined to each other, but those who have dissimilar qualities, differ." [Agreed upon]. It was narrated from Al-Mughirah bin Shu'bah that he proposed to a woman, and the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "Look at her, for it is more likely to create harmony between you." [Sunan Al-Tirmidhi]. This is because Islam views the marital relationship as a continuous life characterized by cooperation and harmony, love and concord, happiness and stability, tranquility and peace, intimacy and joy. This cannot be achieved unless the choice of each spouse for the other is based on conviction and a desire to build this happy marital home.
Thirdly: Clarifying the rights and duties of each spouse towards the other, and obligating them to fulfill these to the best of their ability, so that the ship of this family may reach the shore of safety. Allah The Almighty Speaks truthfully when He Says (What means): "And due to the wives is similar to what is expected of them, according to what is reasonable. But the men have a degree [of responsibility] over them - and Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise." [Al-Baqarah/228]. He also Says (What means), addressing both husbands and wives regarding good companionship: "And live with them in kindness. For if you dislike them - perhaps you dislike a thing and Allah makes therein much good." [An-Nisa/19]. Therefore, Abu Dharr said to his wife, explaining to her an art of family interaction: "If you see me angry, appease me, and if I see you angry, I will appease you, otherwise we will not get along!"
Abu Dharr`s advice is so great that it deserves to be written in letters of gold and gifted to every husband and wife, every couple about to marry, every man who is ignorant of the art of dealing with his wife, and every woman who is ignorant of the art of dealing with her husband; especially, when the simplest misunderstanding occurs between them.
It is narrated that a man came to Umar Ibn Al-Khattab, may Allah be pleased with him, complaining about his wife's bad temper. He stood at his door waiting for him to come out, and he heard Umar's wife arguing with him. So the man turned back, saying: "If this is Umar's situation, with his sternness and firmness, and he is the Commander of the Believers, then what is my situation?!" Umar came out and saw him turning away from his door, so he called out to him and said: "What is your need, O man?" He said: "O Commander of the Believers, I came to complain to you about my wife's bad temper and her speaking harshly to me, but I heard your wife doing the same, so I turned back and said, 'If this is the situation of the Commander of the Believers with his wife, then what is my situation?!" Umar said: "O my brother, I bear with her because of the rights she has over me: she cooks my food, bakes my bread, washes my clothes, nurses my child, and my heart finds solace in her from what is unlawful, so I bear with her for that reason." The man said: "My wife is the same." Umar said: "Then bear with her."
My brothers, let us contemplate some practical examples from the lives of some families, and let us draw a quick comparison between them, so that we may realize the great difference between a family life dominated by love and understanding, and another dominated by violence and conflict.
The first scenario: A woman received news that her husband had divorced her and sent her a message saying: "You were, so you are now separated" – meaning: you were a wife, and you have become irrevocably divorced. She replied to him: without any regret over this marital relationship: "We were, but we were not happy, and we are separated, but we are not sad"!!
Why, my brothers and sisters? Because she did not experience the meaning of marital life characterized by tranquility, affection, and stability. Rather, their life was an unbearable hell. That is why she said: 'We were, but we were not happy, and we are separated, but we are not sad.
Indeed, taking a look at the household of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, is sufficient – if we emulate him – for us to live a happy marital life filled with love and harmony. He, peace and blessings be upon him, never struck any of his wives. He, peace and blessings be upon him, loved Khadijah, may Allah be pleased with her, immensely because she was an example of a righteous wife who stood by her husband. Every Muslim remembers her stance when the revelation began, when she said to the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him: 'By Allah, no! Allah will never disgrace you. You maintain ties of kinship, bear the burden of the weak, earn for the needy, entertain guests, and help against the calamities of truth.' Therefore, due to her good treatment of her husband, peace and blessings be upon him, she deserved the glad tidings from the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him.
On the authority of Abdullah Bin Abi Awfa, it was narrated that he was asked: "Did the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, give Khadijah glad tidings of a house in Paradise?" He said: "Yes, he gave her glad tidings of a house in Paradise made of reeds, wherein there is no noise nor fatigue" [Agreed upon]. A house in Paradise with no noise nor fatigue because she never raised her voice against the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, nor did she tire him. Rather, she relieved him of all fatigue, comforted him from all loneliness, and made every difficulty easy for him.
May Allah be pleased with her and grant her His pleasure. TAs such should women be, not as is the case with some women in our time, who return a blow with two, a word with two, and repay kindness with ugliness and good deeds with bad, who deny the good done to them and are not content with little!
May Allah be pleased with her and grant her His pleasure. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, would remember her after her death and praise her goodness. He would honor an elderly woman who used to visit him during Khadijah's time. When he was asked about that, he said: "Indeed, maintaining good relations after a pledge is part of faith." [Al-Hakim]
Indeed, Allah has made marriage one of His signs. He says (What means): "And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [Ar-Rum/21]. Allah has made marriage a dwelling, security, stability, and peace of mind. What is more eloquent than His Saying (What means): "that you may find tranquility in them?" Does not a dwelling shelter and conceal a person, and is it not his refuge after his toil, and his resting place after his hardship and travel?
The second scenario, which is repeated in our time... violence on the part of fathers towards their children, especially females, where some fathers deliberately prevent their daughters from marrying out of concern for their salary and job, or they marry them off to whoever pays more, as if she were a commodity to be bought and sold!
Here is one of the young women who suffers from the practice of domestic violence against her by her father, as he prevented her from marrying so that he could keep her salary. She wrote him a letter reproaching him for this injustice that befell her, saying to him after a long introduction:
O my father, my Lord has ordained thus, There must be a husband and children. This is Allah's decree, a just ruling, My Lord has ordained it for mankind.
If you seek my salary and my job, Then take what you seek without a price. Or if you seek to sell your daughter to the one Who paid much, then that is another matter…………………..
On the other hand, we have heard of many people who seek marriage for their daughters from those they hope will bring goodness and righteousness, because they believe that this girl is a trust placed upon their shoulders, about whom Allah the Exalted will ask them on the Day of Judgment: did they safeguard her or neglect her? Therefore, they are keen to place her in trustworthy hands, with a man of religion and good character who, if he loves her, will honor her, and if he dislikes her, will not wrong her.
An example of this is what the learned Imam Sa'eed Ibn Al-Musayyib, may Allah have mercy on him, did when he chose one of his students for his daughter, a student who was an exemplar in character and religion, at a time when princes and ministers had proposed to her, but he had turned them down. He said to his student: "Will you not marry?" The student replied: "And who would marry me, O Imam?!" He said: "I will marry you." The student said to him in astonishment: "I marry the daughter of Sa'eed, whom princes and ministers propose to and are turned away?!" He said to him: "I will marry you." So he called those who were in the mosque and finalized their marriage contract for two dirhams. This man says: "I almost flew with joy and returned to my house. In the evening, at sunset – and I was fasting that day – I heard a knock on the door, and it was Imam Sa'eed. I said to myself: perhaps he has gone back on his word. I said to him: "Why have you come, O Imam? If you had told me: "I would have come to you." He said to him: 'Someone like you deserves to be visited. You are a human being, and we have married you, and I feared that you would spend the night alone, for which Allah The Almighty would hold me accountable." So he brought his daughter to him, gave him a sum of money, and said to him: "May Allah bless you and bestow His blessings upon you, and may He unite you both in goodness.'
Third scenario: It is narrated that an elderly man came to the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, one day, complaining about the disobedience of his son. He said: "O Messenger of Allah, he was weak and I was strong, he was poor and I was rich, and I provided for him what a compassionate father provides for a needy son. But when I became weak and he became strong, and he became rich and I became needy, he withheld his wealth from me and was deficient in his kindness towards me."
So, the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, wept, then said to the son: "(Both) you and your wealth belong to your father." [Nasb Al-Rayah/Vol. 3/P.344]
In conclusion, our religion wants us to form a family in which souls meet upon affection, mercy, and compassion. A family that establishes the command of Allah The Almighty in its life, takes the life of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, as its role model, and is nurtured on the verses of the Most Compassionate and the narrations of the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him. Our religion wants us to form a family where the elder is kind to the younger, and the younger respects the elder. At that point, this family will be a source of joy for its members and for its society. Allah The Exalted Says in describing the servants of the Most Compassionate (What means): "And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from our wives and our offspring comfort to [our] eyes and make us for the righteous leaders." [Al-Furqan/74].
We ask Allah The Almighty to grant us from our spouses and offspring that which will be a comfort to our eyes, to forgive our fathers and mothers, and to make us among those who listen to the word and follow the best of it.
