How to Protect our Children from Disobeying us (Parents)

In an age where material love overshadowed people`s mentalities and behavior, and man worked assiduously to secure the basic necessities of life and luxuries-which could be dispensed with-have turned into essentials, parents spent most of their time working to enrich family`s well-being.

This led to changing the role of parents from raising children to fulfilling their desires. In other words, parents have turned into cash dispensing machines.

The result is that parent-child relationship has broken down because they rarely see each other and the parents are busy working to make money to support their children. Therefore, the connection between them has weakened, the children just carry the name of their parents, parents have to meet the demands of their children to make them happy and not feel inferior to their peers. The emotional connection between both have become almost non-existent and harsh treatment became a salient feature since a child`s love to his father or mother became contingent on their fulfilling his/her desires. This is conditional love since it doesn`t come from a heart that feels grateful to the individuals (Father & Mother) who were a reason for his/her existence and gave their lives for his/her happiness. Similarly, parents started measuring the degree of their love to their children according to the extent of fulfilling the desires of the latter.

Children have become selfish thinking that they deserve everything for themselves and that it is the duty of the parents to fulfill their desires, even if the parents get sick or exhausted since, from their perspective, this is no excuse.

Thus, parents lost contact with their children and knew just a little about their personal lives. They are under the impression that their child lives happily because they have bought him/her a phone, for instance, and that he/she needs nothing. However, the important question here is that what will a child do if left alone with a smart phone, an iPad, a laptop or a big amount of money? None knows the answer to this but Allah.

The child starts doing what he/she desires becoming susceptible to diversion. Bad companions automatically assumed the role of the parents, since nature abhors a vacuum, and they steered the children the way they wanted. This way, the parents willingly give up their key role embodied in educating and guiding children.

There is no iota of doubt that the solution to this calamity is present and easy. We have to acquaint ourselves with it to protect our children, our society, and ourselves since the family is the first building block. From my personal perspective, the solution is as follows:

Emotional Fulfillment

It is necessary that parents fulfill the emotional needs of their children. They can do this through sitting with them, saying to them words of love and affection, hugging, kissing, listening to them, and trying to find solutions to their problems. This is in order for the child not to grow up emotionally needy and try to make up for emotions through attachment to material things, but this is in vain, since feelings and emotions can`t be replaced with material things.

We have to Say No

Parents aren`t required to work day and night to fulfill the desires of their children. This is because parents can simply say no to their children. This word is shocking and may drive a child to boycott his/her, parents, weep, show sadness or even have the audacity to tell a parent that he/she is the worst father or mother in the world and that other parents did so and so to their children, or he/she feels inferior to his/her peers under you. Don`t bother, and say no. Tell them that the things they want aren`t a priority and not with its already limited budget. This way the child learns an important role and that is not all demands can be fulfilled. This is a an important role in life and is a universal tradition since one can`t get everything he/she wants, even parents don`t get everything they want and can`t achieve all their wishes and desires. Teaching this rule to your children at early age is the greatest gift ever.

Nothing is free

Parents may be able to fulfill the desires of their child but this doesn`t mean that they have to do it for free. Simply, they can take advantage of the situation and teach this child a new rule of life; that is nothing is for free for everything has a price. Therefore, it is a good idea to ask the child to achieve something to be worthy of his/her desire being fulfilled. For example, the girl can be asked to help her mother with the housework and taking care of her little brother for a week. Similarly, the son can be asked to water the plants, weed the grass, and wash the car for a week. Here lies three benefits:

First: Teaching children the important rule that there is nothing for free in life and that one has to give in order to take for this is just how life is. This lesson spares the child egocentrism and narcissism.

Second: Teaching children to cooperate in running family affairs since they are an integral part of the family and running home is a joint task. This is in addition to highlighting that he/she is a productive rather than a consumptive member of the family. By doing this, the child will be keen on keeping home neat and tidy since he/she will be asked to tidy it if he/she made it messy.

Third: Since a girl will one day get married and be responsible for her own house, she has to be taught how to run house affairs. Similarly, a son will one day be responsible for a family of his own, so he has to learn fixing things and taking care of the house. Here lies the excellent opportunity for this very reason: work not for free but for getting what you want and learn.

Values and Rules

Parents should teach their children values, morals, traditions, and house rules. This is in addition to explaining the limits of their actions and family relationships to keep their behavior in harmony with society. For example, from a religious viewpoint, they have to be taught the concept of Halal (something that is lawful and permitted in Islam) and Haram (something that is unlawful and not permitted in Islam). Therefore, being dutiful to parents is an obligation while disobeying them is Haram. Similarly, harming a neighbor is Haram, cheating is Haram and so on. From a social perspective, children have to be taught that going to a wedding wearing gym clothes is socially unacceptable and the same goes for standing in front of houses and girl schools since this leads to confusedness, and the like. As for house rules, they have to know that they can`t go out without permission, they have to disclose where they are going, they aren`t allowed to be late, and the like. This makes their life well-ordered and their behavior can be controlled and steered in the right direction. 

Reward and Punishment

This system is imperative and indispensable. If the child follows or breaks the system of moral values, ethics, and laws, his/her behavior must be rectified by the system of reward and punishment. Reward upon adherence and punishment upon non-adherence. Here, punishment refers to blaming the child, then depriving him/her from what he likes or desires. This could even take the form of not speaking to him/her temporarily, in addition to other peaceful methods that aim to rectify bad behavior not to exact punishment.

If these instructions are followed, parents will definitely reap the fruits of their good upbringing and have a strong relationship with their children in the sense that the father and the mother become their companions and friends leading the family to be a productive member of society.